Discouraged. Yet again. IhateUofA

I don't know why I'm surprised really. I always get lower marks than I think I am getting. I just got back two marks for this term. A- in People, Pollution and the environment (Biol 381) and B+ Global Change (Eas 208). I don't know if I'm going to cry, rant or just keep sighing. I think it's heading towards crying. I thought for this semester the worst case scenario was A-'s. I honestly didn't even think a B+ was possible. Well, I was proven wrong yet again.

Here is me thinking: I got an 80 on the midterm, I got over 90 in both assignments and I THOUGHT that the final was a cake walk. Clearly not. So now do I go through the pain of emailing the prof and asking what I got on the final? (Crying now). Do I actually go see the final? Look through word for word where I misunderstood? Where I just didn't get it?

Why? I can't believe that I'm just not smart enough. Maybe that's conceited or maybe that's self-preservation but honestly, why? It doesn't seem to matter if it's a hard or an easy class. I just don't get As. It doesn't matter how much I study or how much I care or if I go to class or how many how-to-study sessions I go to.

And now I'm left sitting in my scrubs coming off of volunteering at a vet clinic with my Christmas holidays, getting to know the profession that I'll never get the grades to get into. I don't think it's too strong to say that University has crushed my spirit. Right now I cringe thinking about gearing up for another fucking semester where I have to fool myself into thinking that I can actually get an A in a class that isn't Art History.

And the really sad part, as pointed out by my friend at coffee not an hour ago, and as is true for so many other girls, is that I would make a fantastic vet. And I challenge anybody to say otherwise.

Happy Exam time everyone!

In total contrast to my last post, I am going to be positive today! And to start, can I just say the support I'm getting about going to vet school is overwhelming! I had absolutely no expectations for this blog and the page views for each post are outrageous! Who cares about this stuff? Of course I do, but you do too? Really? Well thank you so much! Secondly, I posted on Facebook after I pressed "submit" on my application. I was really surprised at how difficult it was. Did I edit my statement enough? Did I walk the line between 'please make an exception with some of my grades because of my back' and 'yes, I'm am healthy enough to come to your school'? How much is my superficial relationship with my references going to haunt me? Are my grades simply not good enough? My heart was racing just pressing the button. And then 20 or so lovely people 'liked' the fact that I did that, and supported me. That is just so heart warming. I haven't even done anything yet!

But I guess that's the point right? It's easy to believe in yourself after you've already gotten in. But can you have faith that you will throughout the whole process? Through multiple rejections? I am starting too. Sometimes I lament the fact that I didn't get my shit together earlier (I am in my 5th year) but then I think - I wasn't ready. I consider myself very mature but somethings just take time to work out. Plain and simple.

So now that I've put myself out there on all counts, is it going to be really terrible if I don't get in this year? To have those conversations with people telling them it didn't work out? I hope not. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I know I didn't get an award or anything, but I still want to say 'thank you' from the bottom of my heart to my references. It means so much that you would go out on a limb for me, believe in that first impression, and follow through to the point of saying I'm excellent and outstanding. For someone like me who adores praise, that is one big, fat gold star.

  

P.S. I just finished a book I got for my birthday, "Project Happiness" by Gretchen Rubin. It's pretty interesting and talks a little about gold stars and blogs. I'd definitely give it a read.