This back thing is really a drag...

So I don't know if you know this but I am disabled. Or so they say! I don't feel "disabled",  I feel like I somehow tricked the system into thinking I am. But I do use student disability services and quite frankly it makes a big difference. It all started in my third year at U of A (2009-2010). My back started to hurt. And I don't really know how to describe it properly because the most common questions I get asked are, "how did it start?" (I don't know and does it matter?) and "What's wrong with it?" (Again, no idea, I just know that it HURTS).

And now I find myself saying "I used to be really athletic". But I have a lot of catching up to do with what I'm saying out loud. In my heart of hearts I am still athletic, I am healthy and I can do anything. In reality, I am in pain every day. I don't know when it's going to end and I'm losing hope.

I can walk my dog. I can run at agility for very small periods of time. I can go to Yoga.  I can get through my days (Not like how the Boy was all hunched over from the pain before he got back surgery).

I can't go for long runs. I can't sit in chairs without back support and still concentrate. I can't lift anything heavy. I don't like bending over for anything (ie. putting on my boots). I can't volunteer for long hours/days doing things I love. I can't go climbing with the Boy and the Brother. I am not healthy. I am not athletic and I am not happy about it. I am a bitch because I hurt.

I stayed home from school today. I really shouldn't be missing anymore class but I just was so tired of being good. I woke up and I hurt. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not think about it anymore. So that's what I did. I'm up to 3-4 Tramacet (a medium-strong prescription pain killer) every day. I didn't understand the Boy when he used to refuse drugs...I'm starting to. I hate being dependent on them and I don't like to think what they are eventually going to do with my stomach lining.

I don't feel like anything works. Physio exercises don't do anything. Massage feels nice but I can't really tell a difference. Manipulation is the same. Injections don't work. What is left? I'm 23 and my body feels like it's 50. What's is actually going to feel like when I'm 50? I cannot believe it's been over three years of my life that I've been living like this! I'm in total denial. I keep expecting that one day the pain is just going to disappear and I will have my life back. I think this semester I've been pretty good at keeping school a priority despite the distraction of it all (I got a 96 on my last midterm!) but during finals it's always the worst. People think, can't you just study lying down? Can't you just stand up in class? Can't you just....?

NO. I can't. If I could I would be doing that. Something has to change. And please don't get me wrong. I know that there are people worse off, I know that I am not in a wheelchair. I am trying to keep it in perspective. But if you can't whine on a blog then where can you right? I know that I would rather physical pain than be dealing with a horrible break up or death in the family or any of those, much more painful, emotional trials. But it's hard. Really hard. And maybe one day I'll look back at all I've learned or maybe one day I'll look back and I won't even remember what it was like because I'm so healthy.

But what if this is as good as it gets?

 

Pre Exams, Pre Christmas Update

Hi my lovelies,

I am very sorry I've been ignoring you. Here's what has been going on in the life of this prevet student.

First of all, I finally got another elusive 86% on my third exam in my pollution class! Somehow the feeling you get from bad marks (aka less than 85) is way worse than the good feeling you get from good marks. Although that doesn't stand true for final grades. I'm fairly certain that getting an 'A' in a class is almost the best feeling in the world.

I have 7 marks left to go. 3 final exams, 1 research project, 1 assignment and 1 midterm. I'll keep you posted.

Yesterday I met with my vet, who had last minute agreed to be my reference. Let this be a cautionary tale everyone, get on your references early! I thought I was in the clear with a vet that I volunteered with over the summer and I had a great relationship with but he mysteriously did not return my email or calls for over a month. This left me panicked and at a loss for who to turn to for my vet reference. Thank goodness my own vet, who I've shadowed a few times, is willing to help me out. I know it won't be the best reference in the world, but hopefully it won't be the making or breaking of my application since reference are worth only 5%. Stay tuned on how this one plays out!

Filling out my application to U of S:

This turned out to be a bit easier than I anticipated. Their website is very user friendly and you really just follow the steps. I am on my 3rd draft of my 'Statement', this is what I have so far:

 I am going to become a vet because I am very passionate about the human-animal
bond. Animal behavior and intelligence all interest me very much. Long before I
decided to become a vet, I was reading books and articles about how animals think.
Vet school is a great place to learn the fundamentals of animal medicine and from
there I would like to specialize in cognitive abilities, but I would pursue almost
anything to do with ethics or welfare. I am confident I would be a good match for
your program because I am mature, well rounded and self-aware. Upon completion
of my degree, I see myself working with large animals in either a food animal or
zoo setting working to improve our understanding of animals. As a natural leader,
I am comfortable making decisions and working with others. I am eager to learn
and work hard, and I have shown my determination by working through my degree
with a very painful chronic low back condition. There are difficult situations in
this lifestyle, but I know I am capable of dealing with them because I have a great
support system and I am not afraid to ask for help.

(Maybe some of you will think it is not advisable to post this on the internet but I am committed to supporting each other in this process and I have faith in the vet colleges application process that they could pick out cheaters.) Anyway, it is difficult to write everything you wish to convey to the committee in only 200 words. You want to be professional but also approachable and interesting... I am eager to see how my applying this year will play out. Most likely my grades will hold me back, but I at least then I know what I need to work on for next year. I feel pretty relaxed about not getting in this year, if that's what is in the cards, but I know if I get a rejection letter its going to hurt.

My vet, lets call him Dr.Kind, asked me a question I really had no answer to yesterday. It was "What kind of employer do you see yourself working for?". And while I know what I am interested and moreover what I am not interested in (small animal private practice), I really couldn't tell you where I fit in in the job market. So I researched it and this is what I came up with:

- Trainer or Vet at Earth Rangers, a NGO in the Association of Zoos and Aquariums that works with children to help the cause of endangered species in Canada.
- There is a Canadian Association of Zoo and Wildlife Veterinarians that has internships you can do at zoos in Toronto and Calgary towards the end of vet school. I'm assuming through those internships it would be possible to get contacts and information about where to work in the future.
- Vets without borders or World Vets.
- Animal Welfare research at a University
- Animal welfare/behavioural consultant for food animals, such as improving pens/enclosures.
- Consultant to lawyers on ethics in animal rights/abuse cases.
- Working for NGOs in countries all around the world. Or closer to home for Spay and Neuter clinics, of course a lot of this is volunteer work.

I also found these associations through the CVMA website:

Animal Welfare Canadian Federation of Humane Societies -  http://www.cfhs.ca Canine Inherited Disorders Database -  http://www.upei.ca/cidd Colonel KL Campbell Centre for the Study of Animal Welfare -  http://www.aps.uoguelph.ca/~csaw/index.htm Sir James Dunn Animal Welfare Centre -  http://www.upei.ca/awc UBC Animal Welfare Program -  http://www.landfood.ubc.ca/animalwelfare/ WCVM Applied Ethology  -  http://www.usask.ca/wcvm/herdmed/applied-ethology/ Well, I am out of time for now. Talk soon. J

Grades

I got 80% on my Global Change midterm. 

I cried. 

This is what being a prevet student can do. When a professor hands back an exam and says, "Good job" and I look down and see that I got yet another, unsatisfying and highly frustrating B... well let's just say I almost lost my shit. 

With the help of my good friend Caddy I pulled myself together but really, I just don't understand how I can be actively pursuing a competitive vet school application while maintaining my health. Unless you are literally doing nothing but school (which can't be healthy), it does not seem to be possible to break through that 85 barrier. Out of 6 marks that I have gotten back this year, four have been very close to 80 while two were closer to 90. Not acceptable for vet school apparently. 

I have 5 exams and 2 projects left. And only 6 weeks. Although I have my doubts to how much of an increase I can make in these grades, my resolve is to work harder. I'm not exactly sure how though... Up to this point I have been pretty good at reading the textbook and assigned readings, taking about a week in advance to do one or two topics a day before a midterm with one day for review, and attending class regularly. If you are one of those mysterious 'A' students, please enlighten me. What is that next step? 

Brainstorming:

- Book study help at U of A 

- Make appointments with Profs

- Make more rigorous study schedules

- Make overview notes at the end of each topic

- Read extra to notes

- More time -> log hours

- Study groups

I will have to update you a bit later for my concrete plan but if I don't get a significantly better GPA than last semester (3.2), (not including summer which was 2 classes and a happy 4.0), it won't be because I didn't put in the effort. 

Here are my marks so far so I hold myself accountable to my earlier promises even though I'm sure you're bored even as I'm anxious to put these on the internet!

- People, Pollution and the Environment: 

Midterm (20%) = 82

Midterm (25%) = 80

- Art History: Chinese Painting

Midterm (25%) = 80

- Environmental Earth:

Midterm (25%) = 88

- Global Change

Assignment 1 (10%) = 90

Midterm (25%) = 80

I have one more next Thursday. Wish me luck! (I need it...sigh)