This back thing is really a drag...

So I don't know if you know this but I am disabled. Or so they say! I don't feel "disabled",  I feel like I somehow tricked the system into thinking I am. But I do use student disability services and quite frankly it makes a big difference. It all started in my third year at U of A (2009-2010). My back started to hurt. And I don't really know how to describe it properly because the most common questions I get asked are, "how did it start?" (I don't know and does it matter?) and "What's wrong with it?" (Again, no idea, I just know that it HURTS).

And now I find myself saying "I used to be really athletic". But I have a lot of catching up to do with what I'm saying out loud. In my heart of hearts I am still athletic, I am healthy and I can do anything. In reality, I am in pain every day. I don't know when it's going to end and I'm losing hope.

I can walk my dog. I can run at agility for very small periods of time. I can go to Yoga.  I can get through my days (Not like how the Boy was all hunched over from the pain before he got back surgery).

I can't go for long runs. I can't sit in chairs without back support and still concentrate. I can't lift anything heavy. I don't like bending over for anything (ie. putting on my boots). I can't volunteer for long hours/days doing things I love. I can't go climbing with the Boy and the Brother. I am not healthy. I am not athletic and I am not happy about it. I am a bitch because I hurt.

I stayed home from school today. I really shouldn't be missing anymore class but I just was so tired of being good. I woke up and I hurt. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not think about it anymore. So that's what I did. I'm up to 3-4 Tramacet (a medium-strong prescription pain killer) every day. I didn't understand the Boy when he used to refuse drugs...I'm starting to. I hate being dependent on them and I don't like to think what they are eventually going to do with my stomach lining.

I don't feel like anything works. Physio exercises don't do anything. Massage feels nice but I can't really tell a difference. Manipulation is the same. Injections don't work. What is left? I'm 23 and my body feels like it's 50. What's is actually going to feel like when I'm 50? I cannot believe it's been over three years of my life that I've been living like this! I'm in total denial. I keep expecting that one day the pain is just going to disappear and I will have my life back. I think this semester I've been pretty good at keeping school a priority despite the distraction of it all (I got a 96 on my last midterm!) but during finals it's always the worst. People think, can't you just study lying down? Can't you just stand up in class? Can't you just....?

NO. I can't. If I could I would be doing that. Something has to change. And please don't get me wrong. I know that there are people worse off, I know that I am not in a wheelchair. I am trying to keep it in perspective. But if you can't whine on a blog then where can you right? I know that I would rather physical pain than be dealing with a horrible break up or death in the family or any of those, much more painful, emotional trials. But it's hard. Really hard. And maybe one day I'll look back at all I've learned or maybe one day I'll look back and I won't even remember what it was like because I'm so healthy.

But what if this is as good as it gets?