Discouraged. Yet again. IhateUofA

I don't know why I'm surprised really. I always get lower marks than I think I am getting. I just got back two marks for this term. A- in People, Pollution and the environment (Biol 381) and B+ Global Change (Eas 208). I don't know if I'm going to cry, rant or just keep sighing. I think it's heading towards crying. I thought for this semester the worst case scenario was A-'s. I honestly didn't even think a B+ was possible. Well, I was proven wrong yet again.

Here is me thinking: I got an 80 on the midterm, I got over 90 in both assignments and I THOUGHT that the final was a cake walk. Clearly not. So now do I go through the pain of emailing the prof and asking what I got on the final? (Crying now). Do I actually go see the final? Look through word for word where I misunderstood? Where I just didn't get it?

Why? I can't believe that I'm just not smart enough. Maybe that's conceited or maybe that's self-preservation but honestly, why? It doesn't seem to matter if it's a hard or an easy class. I just don't get As. It doesn't matter how much I study or how much I care or if I go to class or how many how-to-study sessions I go to.

And now I'm left sitting in my scrubs coming off of volunteering at a vet clinic with my Christmas holidays, getting to know the profession that I'll never get the grades to get into. I don't think it's too strong to say that University has crushed my spirit. Right now I cringe thinking about gearing up for another fucking semester where I have to fool myself into thinking that I can actually get an A in a class that isn't Art History.

And the really sad part, as pointed out by my friend at coffee not an hour ago, and as is true for so many other girls, is that I would make a fantastic vet. And I challenge anybody to say otherwise.

Happy Exam time everyone!

In total contrast to my last post, I am going to be positive today! And to start, can I just say the support I'm getting about going to vet school is overwhelming! I had absolutely no expectations for this blog and the page views for each post are outrageous! Who cares about this stuff? Of course I do, but you do too? Really? Well thank you so much! Secondly, I posted on Facebook after I pressed "submit" on my application. I was really surprised at how difficult it was. Did I edit my statement enough? Did I walk the line between 'please make an exception with some of my grades because of my back' and 'yes, I'm am healthy enough to come to your school'? How much is my superficial relationship with my references going to haunt me? Are my grades simply not good enough? My heart was racing just pressing the button. And then 20 or so lovely people 'liked' the fact that I did that, and supported me. That is just so heart warming. I haven't even done anything yet!

But I guess that's the point right? It's easy to believe in yourself after you've already gotten in. But can you have faith that you will throughout the whole process? Through multiple rejections? I am starting too. Sometimes I lament the fact that I didn't get my shit together earlier (I am in my 5th year) but then I think - I wasn't ready. I consider myself very mature but somethings just take time to work out. Plain and simple.

So now that I've put myself out there on all counts, is it going to be really terrible if I don't get in this year? To have those conversations with people telling them it didn't work out? I hope not. But I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I know I didn't get an award or anything, but I still want to say 'thank you' from the bottom of my heart to my references. It means so much that you would go out on a limb for me, believe in that first impression, and follow through to the point of saying I'm excellent and outstanding. For someone like me who adores praise, that is one big, fat gold star.

  

P.S. I just finished a book I got for my birthday, "Project Happiness" by Gretchen Rubin. It's pretty interesting and talks a little about gold stars and blogs. I'd definitely give it a read.

This back thing is really a drag...

So I don't know if you know this but I am disabled. Or so they say! I don't feel "disabled",  I feel like I somehow tricked the system into thinking I am. But I do use student disability services and quite frankly it makes a big difference. It all started in my third year at U of A (2009-2010). My back started to hurt. And I don't really know how to describe it properly because the most common questions I get asked are, "how did it start?" (I don't know and does it matter?) and "What's wrong with it?" (Again, no idea, I just know that it HURTS).

And now I find myself saying "I used to be really athletic". But I have a lot of catching up to do with what I'm saying out loud. In my heart of hearts I am still athletic, I am healthy and I can do anything. In reality, I am in pain every day. I don't know when it's going to end and I'm losing hope.

I can walk my dog. I can run at agility for very small periods of time. I can go to Yoga.  I can get through my days (Not like how the Boy was all hunched over from the pain before he got back surgery).

I can't go for long runs. I can't sit in chairs without back support and still concentrate. I can't lift anything heavy. I don't like bending over for anything (ie. putting on my boots). I can't volunteer for long hours/days doing things I love. I can't go climbing with the Boy and the Brother. I am not healthy. I am not athletic and I am not happy about it. I am a bitch because I hurt.

I stayed home from school today. I really shouldn't be missing anymore class but I just was so tired of being good. I woke up and I hurt. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not think about it anymore. So that's what I did. I'm up to 3-4 Tramacet (a medium-strong prescription pain killer) every day. I didn't understand the Boy when he used to refuse drugs...I'm starting to. I hate being dependent on them and I don't like to think what they are eventually going to do with my stomach lining.

I don't feel like anything works. Physio exercises don't do anything. Massage feels nice but I can't really tell a difference. Manipulation is the same. Injections don't work. What is left? I'm 23 and my body feels like it's 50. What's is actually going to feel like when I'm 50? I cannot believe it's been over three years of my life that I've been living like this! I'm in total denial. I keep expecting that one day the pain is just going to disappear and I will have my life back. I think this semester I've been pretty good at keeping school a priority despite the distraction of it all (I got a 96 on my last midterm!) but during finals it's always the worst. People think, can't you just study lying down? Can't you just stand up in class? Can't you just....?

NO. I can't. If I could I would be doing that. Something has to change. And please don't get me wrong. I know that there are people worse off, I know that I am not in a wheelchair. I am trying to keep it in perspective. But if you can't whine on a blog then where can you right? I know that I would rather physical pain than be dealing with a horrible break up or death in the family or any of those, much more painful, emotional trials. But it's hard. Really hard. And maybe one day I'll look back at all I've learned or maybe one day I'll look back and I won't even remember what it was like because I'm so healthy.

But what if this is as good as it gets?

 

Pre Exams, Pre Christmas Update

Hi my lovelies,

I am very sorry I've been ignoring you. Here's what has been going on in the life of this prevet student.

First of all, I finally got another elusive 86% on my third exam in my pollution class! Somehow the feeling you get from bad marks (aka less than 85) is way worse than the good feeling you get from good marks. Although that doesn't stand true for final grades. I'm fairly certain that getting an 'A' in a class is almost the best feeling in the world.

I have 7 marks left to go. 3 final exams, 1 research project, 1 assignment and 1 midterm. I'll keep you posted.

Yesterday I met with my vet, who had last minute agreed to be my reference. Let this be a cautionary tale everyone, get on your references early! I thought I was in the clear with a vet that I volunteered with over the summer and I had a great relationship with but he mysteriously did not return my email or calls for over a month. This left me panicked and at a loss for who to turn to for my vet reference. Thank goodness my own vet, who I've shadowed a few times, is willing to help me out. I know it won't be the best reference in the world, but hopefully it won't be the making or breaking of my application since reference are worth only 5%. Stay tuned on how this one plays out!

Filling out my application to U of S:

This turned out to be a bit easier than I anticipated. Their website is very user friendly and you really just follow the steps. I am on my 3rd draft of my 'Statement', this is what I have so far:

 I am going to become a vet because I am very passionate about the human-animal
bond. Animal behavior and intelligence all interest me very much. Long before I
decided to become a vet, I was reading books and articles about how animals think.
Vet school is a great place to learn the fundamentals of animal medicine and from
there I would like to specialize in cognitive abilities, but I would pursue almost
anything to do with ethics or welfare. I am confident I would be a good match for
your program because I am mature, well rounded and self-aware. Upon completion
of my degree, I see myself working with large animals in either a food animal or
zoo setting working to improve our understanding of animals. As a natural leader,
I am comfortable making decisions and working with others. I am eager to learn
and work hard, and I have shown my determination by working through my degree
with a very painful chronic low back condition. There are difficult situations in
this lifestyle, but I know I am capable of dealing with them because I have a great
support system and I am not afraid to ask for help.

(Maybe some of you will think it is not advisable to post this on the internet but I am committed to supporting each other in this process and I have faith in the vet colleges application process that they could pick out cheaters.) Anyway, it is difficult to write everything you wish to convey to the committee in only 200 words. You want to be professional but also approachable and interesting... I am eager to see how my applying this year will play out. Most likely my grades will hold me back, but I at least then I know what I need to work on for next year. I feel pretty relaxed about not getting in this year, if that's what is in the cards, but I know if I get a rejection letter its going to hurt.

My vet, lets call him Dr.Kind, asked me a question I really had no answer to yesterday. It was "What kind of employer do you see yourself working for?". And while I know what I am interested and moreover what I am not interested in (small animal private practice), I really couldn't tell you where I fit in in the job market. So I researched it and this is what I came up with:

- Trainer or Vet at Earth Rangers, a NGO in the Association of Zoos and Aquariums that works with children to help the cause of endangered species in Canada.
- There is a Canadian Association of Zoo and Wildlife Veterinarians that has internships you can do at zoos in Toronto and Calgary towards the end of vet school. I'm assuming through those internships it would be possible to get contacts and information about where to work in the future.
- Vets without borders or World Vets.
- Animal Welfare research at a University
- Animal welfare/behavioural consultant for food animals, such as improving pens/enclosures.
- Consultant to lawyers on ethics in animal rights/abuse cases.
- Working for NGOs in countries all around the world. Or closer to home for Spay and Neuter clinics, of course a lot of this is volunteer work.

I also found these associations through the CVMA website:

Animal Welfare Canadian Federation of Humane Societies -  http://www.cfhs.ca Canine Inherited Disorders Database -  http://www.upei.ca/cidd Colonel KL Campbell Centre for the Study of Animal Welfare -  http://www.aps.uoguelph.ca/~csaw/index.htm Sir James Dunn Animal Welfare Centre -  http://www.upei.ca/awc UBC Animal Welfare Program -  http://www.landfood.ubc.ca/animalwelfare/ WCVM Applied Ethology  -  http://www.usask.ca/wcvm/herdmed/applied-ethology/ Well, I am out of time for now. Talk soon. J

Grades

I got 80% on my Global Change midterm. 

I cried. 

This is what being a prevet student can do. When a professor hands back an exam and says, "Good job" and I look down and see that I got yet another, unsatisfying and highly frustrating B... well let's just say I almost lost my shit. 

With the help of my good friend Caddy I pulled myself together but really, I just don't understand how I can be actively pursuing a competitive vet school application while maintaining my health. Unless you are literally doing nothing but school (which can't be healthy), it does not seem to be possible to break through that 85 barrier. Out of 6 marks that I have gotten back this year, four have been very close to 80 while two were closer to 90. Not acceptable for vet school apparently. 

I have 5 exams and 2 projects left. And only 6 weeks. Although I have my doubts to how much of an increase I can make in these grades, my resolve is to work harder. I'm not exactly sure how though... Up to this point I have been pretty good at reading the textbook and assigned readings, taking about a week in advance to do one or two topics a day before a midterm with one day for review, and attending class regularly. If you are one of those mysterious 'A' students, please enlighten me. What is that next step? 

Brainstorming:

- Book study help at U of A 

- Make appointments with Profs

- Make more rigorous study schedules

- Make overview notes at the end of each topic

- Read extra to notes

- More time -> log hours

- Study groups

I will have to update you a bit later for my concrete plan but if I don't get a significantly better GPA than last semester (3.2), (not including summer which was 2 classes and a happy 4.0), it won't be because I didn't put in the effort. 

Here are my marks so far so I hold myself accountable to my earlier promises even though I'm sure you're bored even as I'm anxious to put these on the internet!

- People, Pollution and the Environment: 

Midterm (20%) = 82

Midterm (25%) = 80

- Art History: Chinese Painting

Midterm (25%) = 80

- Environmental Earth:

Midterm (25%) = 88

- Global Change

Assignment 1 (10%) = 90

Midterm (25%) = 80

I have one more next Thursday. Wish me luck! (I need it...sigh)

Fall break is too far away so I stayed home...

This is me right now.

Good morning,

Today I decided to take a sick day. Yes, I probably could have gone to school with a sore throat but since I'm at the point where I want to cry just thinking about all the things I have to do this week I elected to take the day off, rest up and then take it on with gusto tomorrow. I have not decided whether this is a smart thing to do or simply baby-like. Nevertheless, here I sit. So I thought I would write since it's been a while.

Things to update you on.

It's a uphill climb.

Grades: I got back 3 out of 5 midterms. Marks were 82, 88, and 80. The two 80 marks were in the same class which is very frustrating to me because I felt like I did so much better. This is what being a pre-vet turns you into, you feel like shit when you get 80's. Oh well, there's still time to fix those.

I went to talk to Dr. Clover Bench about applications and pre-reqs etc. I left feeling pretty terrible. It is so overwhelming to be attempting to "do it all". I was volunteering at a Spay and Neuter clinic in Hobbema from 8:30am to 9:30pm this Saturday and all the while I am worrying about my large animal experience. But you do what you can do, right? My biggest red flag is that I don't have a vet to use as a reference yet! Those of you that are prevet reading this may find this shocking and assume I am hideously unorganized. Maybe or maybe not. I have been very flip floppy on my desire to go to vet school since first year. As such, I have what I feel is a (relatively) wide range of experience but I have no one vet that I have worked with for longer than a few months. So I am up the creek. Not sure what to do about this one...

I also feel like there is somewhat of a barrier with other prevets that I am trying to break down. I know that it is competitive but I for one would love to have open and honest conversations with others about our different backgrounds without the judgmental edge. It feels like if you ask someone what they have been doing in preparation for the applications, you are challenging them. I really feel strongly that we should be dismantling this convention. (Is it just me?) I would love a friend to talk to who is going through the same thing as me. As a caveat to this, I did talk with one acquaintance over the weekend who was very helpful and willing to share information, so I know its not everyone...  

The big picture is pretty nice, its just all a little massive!

I had an interesting talk with my mum about this whole process. I am lucky enough that, and this was news to me, my parents are willing and able to support me through school. This opens up possibilities about applying internationally. However the price jumps from $8000-$12,000/year tuition in Canada to $20,000-$50,000 internationally (the most expensive being in the States). That is not including air fare and cost of living! Yikes. It raises questions for me about how far I'd be willing to go to become a vet. The best part about talking to Dr. Bench was that she let me know about an after degree at U of A that I could get in the faculty of ALES if I am not successful this year. This really appeals to me because it would likely only take one more year (since I am a science student) and it would allow me to continue to upgrade/enhance my application.

I will hit the ground running tomorrow! Right after I take a nap... ; )

 So those are some things running through my head at the moment. I did want to write a blog post about adoption and pure bred dogs but I guess I will save it for another day. Hope everyone is doing well with exams. Keep on trucking!

Happy Halloween! 

Meeting Dr. Big Shot!

I've just come back from the CanWest Veterinary Conference in Banff. This was the first year they had a student symposium and the vets were a little confused at my presence. At the meet and greet on the first night I was asked (on several occasions) who I was and upon recieving the answers I got a confused look and a "and why are you...?"

"Here?" I would reply. "There is a student symposium tomorrow"

"Oh." Accompanied by a  "I'm just going to go get some more food" and a hasty retreat.

I did feel a little as though I had a visible communicable disease on the first night but perseverance and more than a little wine got me through almost two hours of standing alone at a table staring wistfully at all the other vets chatting happily with their collegues. When I recognized my own vet (singing and playing guitar in effort to gain interest in the jam part of the evening), I was overcome with relief. I did know ONE person. And as it turns out, I knew quite a few people. Eventually I spotted a professor from U of A that I've worked with at Spay and Neuter clinics, she was kind enough to introduce me to a few others. The next day I saw the lady who started Spay and Neuter as well as her cheif vet, who told me they would love to come speak to the pre-vet club at U of A. And in the end I got some great advice from a few of the speakers and AHTs (Animal Health Technologists) at the conference. Not bad at all, although I paid the high price of extreme awkwardness, embarrassment and general lack of self confidence in the process. (I'm pretty sure my legs/butt were constantly shaking for hours because I was so nervous.)

The next day was much better. We had lecture in the morning from 8 to 1 with four speakers. One was the Cheif Veterinarian for CFIA (Canadian Food Inspection Agency) and had an impressive list of other credentials. The three others all worked for AB Agriculture and Rural development which was helpful to understand what kind of roles vets can play outside of private practice. Also, I noticed that although there are way more female students applying and getting into vet school than men, the majority of the bigwigs at the conference were all male. Is this simply a generational trend that will dissolve in coming years or is this a product of the very annoying but unavoidable fact that many women choose to somewhat sacrifice their careers in order to spend time with their children?

The topics of the lectures were all Biosecurity but with a different emphasis for each. The first explained the One Health concept and how it is impossible to treat ecosystem, human health and animal health in isolation. From a biology background, this is quite inuitive to me, after all, the divisions humans have made between animal, domestic, wildlife and homosapian are somewhat arbitrary, no? We do love to classify things... But the lecture was very interesting and well put on. The second described the Foot and Mouth situation in the UK in detail as well as the challenges in biosecurity in dealing with developing countries. Those two were my favorite. After the break, an epidemeologist taked about anti-microbial resistance and then two vets from the biosecurity division of AB ag and rural development demonstrated how to be biosecure in a crisis (hint: a mask, gloves, three layers of coveralls and a heck of a lot of ducktape!)

Then there was a trade fair during which various vendors would try to sell me surgical equiment until I jumped in with a hurried "I'm just an undergrad" at which point they would avoid all contact. (I might note that I was the only undergrad who was not in a vet college or AHT program at the whole conference. Also, there were one two students that were actually in vet school yet a lot of the lecturers kept saying things like, "when you are vets...".) And then, the best part of the weekend...

I was just about to leave when the manager of the ABVMA (Alberta Veterinary Medical Association) recognized me from the night before and asked, "Did you meet Dr. Big Shot?" Dr. Alastair Cribb is the dean of Veterinary Medicine at the U of C. The night before I had been asking about him because I knew he was in attendance. I said no and so she dragged me to him and promptly introduced me. While she was asking him about some logistical matter I started to panic. She had told him I had a question for him. My mind was blank, I had absolutely nothing to say to this man! I really wanted to meet him but it was going to be a poor impression if I said hello and just stared arkwardly. Before I knew it he said "Walk with me" and we were walking, him looking at me expectantly. And then I was mysteriously telling him about my back injury and how it had affected my acedemic performance and on and on and did he have any advice for me? WELL. Not only did he give me his full attention for a whole 10 minutes, he give me personal advice on my grades (yes, I verbatum told The Dean about my abysmal 3rd year marks. Oh god, I said I'd tell you didn't I? Ok, it's no secret, 2.8 (Thank you again to Dr. Bergens)) as well as the interview (read the paper everyone!). It was exhilerating. I left the conference happy and full of hope. Thank you Dr. Big shot! (And I'm not being facetious here, I honestly do think he is a big deal and a very kind man from my first impression)

I know that makes me a total geek and a suck up but honestly it was just so nice to see all these people for whom my dream is a reality. Women that have done it all, they have a successful career, kids and a loving husband (I don't know why this is such a surprize to me as my mum is one of these, she is an MD and has 2 children). And real vets talking about pertinent subjects that I had no trouble understanding and was interested in. It was also really cool to see all the different places having a DVM can take you. Its not all small animal practice. It was a real boost in motivation and I would highly encourage other pre-vet students to go next year. I think having a group of us would take away some of the tougher parts of the weekend. I definitely think I did the right thing by going, I just hope my midterm marks for this week won't suffer too badly!

Oh and the best part? My dad and I listened to James Harriot tapes on the way home. <3

Big Picture

So for the last little while I've been asking myself this question, "How are young people supposed to do it all?"

To me, it seems like twentysomethings have this huge to do list: get an education, get a good job, get married, buy car, buy house, get pet, have babies... and it's all "supposed" to be done in the ten years you have before you are thirty.

First of all, where are we getting the MONEY to do all these things??? Out of my list above, only one of them doesn't take significant amounts of cash.

So far my order of these things has been education, pet, car. Inevitably when I think about these things I ended up asking myself, "what's the rush?". Well, honestly in my case it feels as though there is an order to things that can't be ignored. It's starts like this: if I want my parents to be around for their grandkids I should start having kids by the time I'm 30 (7 years and counting). If I want kids by the time I'm 30 I need a job and probably should have worked for a few years first (5 years). If I want a job I have to be done vet school in 5 years... which means I need to start... NEXT year. Ugh. Ergo pressure.

However, the last paragraphs has a heck of a lot of SHOULDS in it. Something that I have learned is not a healthy way to live your life (thx Sarah). So then, what is a good way to think about it? How about from the "do what makes you happy" perspective? Ok, then what do I want right now? How do I want to live my days? Well, I want to get married. And I want to be working towards a career that is fulfilling in what I'm doing but also flexible so that I can have a family and be there with them. The irony of becoming a vet is it is so extreme to the "invest now, reap rewards later" that sometimes the risk doesn't feel worth it. How tempting is it for me to just graduate, find any job and start my marriage NOW? Very. (Which brings us back to the question, what's the rush?)


Ok, so I've semi reasoned my way into trying to get into vet school for at least two years and if I fail, re-evaluating then. Fine. But now, add third layer of dimension. The boyfriend, hereafter known as Bubs. Bubs is 27, has finished a chem masters degree and has now decided to go back to do an engineering degree because his is worth dick-all. Great! Lovely! I fully support you dear, emotionally that is. But where oh where, are we getting funds to pay for two professional degrees, housing and (pretty please) a wedding? I just don't understand how society sets us up for failure like this. Bubs and I both come from pretty financially solid backgrounds. What do all the other families do? Is it normal that my mother should be supporting me until I'm 30? These types of questions just baffled and demoralize. It really does seem like a rite of passage to adulthood: you must do these tasks and you must do it while eating crappy food and living in small cramped quarters, you will get 25 cents to live on, and you will have no time to spend on frivolous things like exercise!

At present, I'm just clinging to the belief, it will all work out in the end. Which it will I suppose. But big picture stuff is just so daunting. Which is why at the end of the day I shrink up my view, and I take it one day at a time; try to get the best marks I can and save as much money as I can (which really should be enough incentive to pack a lunch!). Man oh man. I guess that's it for now, I really don't have any conclusions... I'll let you know when I'm thirty how much of my lofty to do list I actually can accomplish. But people do, people do .